Love and marriage

With the month of February comes a renewed focus on the lasting love that leads to marriage.  And the happiness this love brings leads to a desire to share the story of one’s special relationship with family and friends.  Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, and telling a real-life love story with a happy-ever-after ending makes for a truly special conversation.

The Italian language uses reflexive verbs to express the intricacies of a romantic relationship.  This can be a bit difficult for English speakers, who usually express these ideas without reflexive verbs.  But if we remember that the English phrases “each other” and “to get” need reflexive verbs in Italian, we can tap into the Italian way to describe love and marriage!

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Getting Together
with Italian Reflexive Verbs

 

Italian reflexive verbs are essential to discuss the beginning of a relationship — from the first heartfelt meeting to the excitement of the next encounter. A previous blog, “Talking to someone special,” focuses on how to use the Italian reflexive verbs conoscersi and incontrarsi to describe two people “getting together.”  In this case, the use of Italian reflexive verbs with the reflexive pronouns ci or si  is equivalent to adding the English phrase “each other” after a verb.  Here is how it works, from the previous blog:

For our meeting and greeting phrases, two sentences that use the reflexive verbs conoscersi and incontrarsi are helpful to remember. For instance, one may approach another at a gathering with the line,  “Ci conosciamo?” The ci in question stands in for “each other” so the sentence means, “Do we know each other?”

In a situation where two friends are planning to meet each other, the verb incontrarsi comes into play, for instance, to say, “Let’s meet each other at 8,” which would be: “Incontriamoci alle otto.”

At the beginning of a relationship, then, and also later for planned meetings, Italian reflexive verbs are used to describe the action of “getting together.”  (For more information on how to use reciprocal reflexive verbs, visit our blog in this series called Italian Reciprocal Reflexive Verbs.)

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Dating
with Italian Reflexive Verbs

 

The Italian reflexive verb frequentarsi, which refers to both friendly and romantic get togethers was discussed in a previous Valentine’s Day blog entitled “Italian Phrases for Dating.” In summary:

The Italian verb “frequentarsi,” which means “to spend time with each other” can also be used to describe a special relationship.  Frequentarsi can also be translated as “to see each other” or “to date each other” in the romantic sense or simply to “to hang out with” friends. The non reflexive form, frequentare, means “to frequent” or “to visit” a certain place.

If two people are spending more and more time together, others may realize they are falling in love with each other. To describe this feeling, the verb innamorarsi comes into play.  “Marco e Anna si innamorano,” means, “Mark and Ann are falling in love with with each other.”

Once again, Italian reflexive verbs are important to describe interpersonal meetings and relationships, and are used when in English we would add the tag “each other.” 

 

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Getting Engaged
with Italian Reflexive Verbs

 

When it is time to get engaged, often one of the partners will let their friends know before popping the question.  The reflexive verb fidanzarsi is used to talk about this situation, which means “to become engaged,” or, as we would say in English, “to get engaged.” 

Some typical phrases one might hear when discussing if/when a friend wants to get married are below.  The sentence structure may seem a little strange to the English speaker.  At first glance, the Italian verb “fidanzarmi” sounds like “marry myself!” But if we remember that Italian reflexive verbs are the way Italians say, “to get,” then “fidanzarmi” makes sense.  The meaning of this verb is not ” to be engaged to myself,” but ” to get engaged.”  Finish the statements below with examples from your own life experiences.

Prima di fidanzarmi… devo…
Before getting engaged… I have to…

Ho intenzione di fidanzarmi… quando…
I intend to get engaged… when…

Vorrei fidanzarmi se…  posso…  / può (+ subjunctive verb)
I would like to get engaged if… I can…  / she/he can…

Ho deciso di fidanzarmi con…
I’ve decided to get engaged with…

 

Once the decision has been made, there are several ways to ask your special someone to get engaged in Italian. The Italian verb proporre (to propose) is not used to describe this action.  Instead, the noun proposta (proposal) may be used to in the third person with the phrase, “fare una proposta di matrimoio a,” as in:

Marco vuole fare una proposta di matrimono ad Anna
dopo si transferisce a Roma.
Mark wants to propose marriage to Ann
after he moves to Rome.

-or, less formally, if the couple is well- known to the speakers-

Lui vuole farle una proposta di matrimonio.
He wants to propose to her.

 

When it is time to “pop the question,” an Italian simply asks, ” Do you want to get engaged/marry me?”  A simple, less formal way to describe this proposal of marriage is used in conversational Italian:

Marco vuole chiederle di fidanzarsi con lui. /sposarlo. 
Mark wants to ask her to get engaged/get married to him.

 

The verbs used in the example above are fidanzare and sposare, since this action is not yet something the two are doing together!  But, when asking the question itself, fidanzarsi (to get engaged) and sposarsi (to get married) do come into play, and are translated in English as “to get.” It may be easier for the English speaker to remember this type of phrase as one person asking another, “Do you want to engage/marry yourself to me?” although the correct translation is “to get married.”  The same Italian question can be translated two ways in English, as below:

Vuoi fidanzarti con me?
Do you want to get engaged?  (engage yourself to me)

Vuoi fidanzarti con me?
Will you be my fiancée/financé?

-or, more emphatically, using the command form:

Fidanzati con me!
Be my fiancée/financé!

 

Similar examples, using sposare:

Vuoi sposarti con me?
Do you want to get married? (marry yourself to me)?

Vuoi sposarti con me?
Will you marry me?

-or, more emphatically, using the command form:

Sposati con me! / Sposami!
Marry me!

 

If the couple has made a mutual decision to get engaged to be married, one of the couple or their friends again use the reflexive verbs fidanzarsi or sposarsi in the first person plural, with “ci” to describe the decision made together, or with  “each other.”  This action is not reflexive in English and the “each other” is generally understood and left out of the English statement. Some variations on this type of phrase you may here are below:

Sono molto contento che ci siamo fidanzati!
I am so happy that we got engaged (to each other)!

Abbiamo deciso di fidanzarci ieri sera.
We decided to get married (to each other) last night.

Sono molto contenta che dopo due anni di fidanzamento,
ci sposeremo il mese prossimo.
I am very happy that after two years of engagement,
we will get married (to each other) next month.

 

Once a couple is engaged, the meaning of  fidanzarsi as “each other” continues to describe the action the couple is doing together.

Marco e Anna si sono fidanzati!
Mark and Ann are engaged to each other!

Marco e Anna si sono fidanzati la settmana scorsa!
Mark and Anna got engaged last week!

 

The engaged couple, or promessi sposi, refer to each other as il mio fidanzato (financé) and la mia fidanzata  (fiancée).  Remember that leaving the definite article out of the possessive adjective is only for those who are family members!

 

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Getting Married
with Italian Reflexive Verbs

 

Talking about getting married in Italian is very similar to talking about getting engaged.  Once again, a reflexive verb comes into play, which is sposarsi (to get married).  The verb sposare (to marry/wed) can also be used to make a general statement.

For instance, to make a simple statement that, “Mark married Ann last week,” the Italian uses the non-reflexive sposare:  “Marco ha sposato Anna la settimana scorsa.”

But, to say, “Mark got married to Ann last week,” Italian uses the reflexive verb sposarsi with con: “Marco si è sposato con Anna la settimana scorsa.”

Notice, once again, the difference in the helping verb used for the passato prossimo of  sposare and sposarsi in the examples above.  Sposare uses avere as the helping verb, while sposarsi, like all reflexive verbs, takes essere. (If you need a refresher on how to use the passato prossimo, visit the blog, “Italian Past: ‘Avere’ vs. ‘Essere.”)

 

Another important detail to consider when creating a sentence with sposarsi is which preposition to choose before and after the verb. (By the way, the same prepositions are also used in the same way with fidanzarsi).

Some examples for different situations you might want to comment on regarding marriage are listed below.

1. “Stare per” means “to be about to.”  Therefore, the Italian preposition “per” is needed to say: ” I am about to get married.” Follow this phrase with the preposition con and the name of the person who you will marry.  Once again, you are not about to marry yourself, but “to get married” with this phrase.  (For more ways to use “stare per,” visit the blog, “‘Stare per’ — To Be About To.” )

Sto per sposarmi con Marco, un’uomo meraviglioso.
I am about to get married to Mark, a wonderful man.

 

2.  Use the preposition “di” before the verb sposarsi when talking about the idea or decision to get married with “l’idea, “la decisione,” “l’intenzione,” or other similar noun. Follow sposarsi with the preposition con (with) if mentioning the individual involved (rather than the English “to”).

Some examples:

L’idea di sposarsi era tua.
It was your idea to get married.

Maria ha avuto l’idea di sposarsi con Marco la prima volta che si sono conosciuti.
Maria had the idea to get married with Mark the first time they met.

Loro hanno deciso di sposarsi in maggio.
They decided to get married in May.

Maria ha deciso di sposarsi con Marco in maggio.
Mary decided to get married to Mark in May.

 

3.  To say “to think about getting married,” use [pensare di + sposarsi]” following the general rule for [pensare + infinitive verb].  

Penso di sposarmi tra due anni.
I’m thinking about getting married in (about) two years.

Lui pensa di sposarsi ma il tempo deve essere giusto.
He is thinking of getting married but the time must be right.

 

 

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Getting Married in the Future
with Italian Reflexive Verbs

 

Finally, To talk about your intention to get married in the future, just conjugate sposarsi in the future tense!

Mi sposerò con Marco tra un’anno.
I will get married to Mark in (about) one year.

Ci sposeremo subito!
We are going to get married soon!

 

Whatever your plans are this Valentine’s Day,

Auguri di Buon San Valentino!